just do it.

Is it creepy to say that I really enjoy reading a specific handful of rando xanga pages--ppl that i discovered/stalked/whatever during my asianavenue days? Well, every so often, till this day, I would check to see if they have any updates or even a sign of life...only cause a lot of them has stopped blogging for so long.

Well, luckily, a selected few has jumped back onto the blogging bandwagon. It's really interesting to see how much has happened to them over these past couple of years. The content of their entries has changed significantly during this period of time--from the topics they write about, to their style of writing--i'm attracted to wittiness, to the amount of self-reflection they do, the deepness, or sometimes even the randomness and subtle messages they ever so often write--I find it all so interesting.

I apologize for sounding so incredibly creepy right now. But unfortunately, this is what I invested my time into as a teen...reading other ppl's blogs, looking at their webpages etc etc. It was my way of saying, "I read a book" today. It sounds absurd, treating xanga blogs as literature, but some of them are really like novels. But yeah, there's really no way to not sound stalker-ish about this, so I once again, apologize.

Anyway, so back to what I'm trying to say. I've noticed that a lot of these ppl are entering or have already entered the corporate world. They all grew up so fast. They all seem to have direction and a good grasp of what they want in the future--maybe that's why I was so attracted to their blogs in the first place. And they're all doing extremely well right now. I'm happy they're all doing well, but then at the same time, it got me asking myself.....what the blood have I been doing all this time...?

The guest speaker from yesterday said that her main goal was to start a business before she hit 30. And she did--with such confidence and pride. The whole time she was speaking, I was thinking to myself, "Dayuuum, this woman is so full of herself". But I later thought, she is, because she can, and she has every right to be.

I was also on Xiao Zhu's English forum earlier, reading the translation of this book he wrote...that I bought. It took him a long, long time to get to where he is right now. He said that his path is so curved that he sometimes has no choice but to work harder until he reaches a corner (it sounds weird when it's directly translated from chinese to english. but i think i get the gist of it).

Now, I'm not saying that I want the exact same goal as the guest speaker, or to be rich and famous like Xiao Zhu, but if I could only have a fraction of her confidence or any of these bloggers' determination or Xiao Zhu's perseverance, I think I could get somewhere. I would not have put off this summer's job search until NOW, and I would at least have a proper resume/cover letter by now. It's almost mid-March, and I'm leaving HK in about 2 months, and guess what, I have nothing. I half-assed the search, no good grasp of the companies in Singapore, no idea where I want to apply to, nothing. I think about it every night before I go to bed, and often convince myself that there's still time.

I just know that this is a preview of what's to come next year during 4th year. I'm going to keep putting it off, while all my friends become full-timers and then be stuck at home after May and rot and die. Ok, so I'm exaggerating--or maybe not.

My biggest fear: trying and still failing. I'll admit that I don't take rejection well. In fact, I can't take it--hence why I don't try. And yet, I'm still a person of pride and a huge part of me just wants to prove to her that I can do it. I can. I can...I can......But gaaaaaaaaaarghhhh............can I really?

我的妈呀......this post is going nowhere.

But time's a-wasting. All this dilly dallying is getting me nowhere. Eff pride. There is no pride when there's nothing to be proud about. like duh. So. JUST DO IT ALISON KOH. My gawd. Like she said yesterday, paraphrased..."if there's a day where you're not bettering/improving yourself...then you've wasted that day."

that hit the spot.
pwned.